Plans and Circumstances

It has been forever since I last posted, and lots of things have happened. I expected to post much earlier, but things don't always play out as planned.

This post is a very hard one for me, and I debated writing it over and over again. After much thought and prayer, I decided to share my thoughts with all of you. The purpose in me writing this post is in hopes of relating to and maybe even giving hope to someone, even one person. Whether you have gone through a similar experience (which many of you have), are going through one right now (which many of you are), or will go through one in the future (which many of you unfortunately will). I write this post with a heart full of gratitude, sadness, joy, and hope.

Many weeks ago, Eric and I received the most special gift. Our world was filled with more joy than it had been in a long time. Maybe ever. Our first child was on the way. Excitement filled our hearts, and the love we felt for this baby grew stronger everyday. From the moment we saw our baby's heartbeat, beating fast, strong, and healthy, our world had changed. 

Millions of thoughts and emotions flooded our minds. First and foremost, joy. God had blessed us with a tiny, special being, who was part of us. This small child was literally a piece of each of us. A thought and feeling that we had never experienced. 

As life continued on {and my trips to the toilet increased}, we began to share the news with a very few close friends and family. The excitement and love they showered us with was perfect.

A few short weeks later, I started bleeding, and having some slight cramping (sorry for being graphic). I called my doctor, and they recommended that I go to the ER, just to be safe. It was there that our world was quickly turned upside down. I was given meds, checked by the doctor, and sent in for an ultrasound. As the doctor came in, we got the news that I somehow knew was coming. Our precious baby no longer had a heartbeat.

I spent the next few days in the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life, both physically and emotionally. Another trip to the ER, and lots of pain meds later, I was home and left to process what was happening in my body. Each cramp was a quick reminder that I was no longer pregnant. Even though there was nothing I could have done, the guilt was strong. I was responsible for this baby, and I felt like I had failed. 

Needless to say, life has gone on. With each day a small sense of peace fills our hearts. We fully trust in God's plan for us, and for our family, and know without a doubt that he knows our path. The time will come that we will have a family of our own, and we are so excited for that day to come. We're sure our little athlete/fashionista/whatever they want to be, will make a grand entrance.

I could not have asked for more loving, supportive friends and family. You have each been amazing, and helped me know that things will be okay! In less than three months, our world began to revolve around this child. Our loss was early, but that didn't lessen the hurt. The pain is still there, but it is getting better every day. I have learned that I must appreciate every second of this life. Don't forget to see beauty in the little things. Appreciate what you are given, and know that there is always someone less fortunate than you. Love, and be loved.

I would be a horrible person if I didn't mention my husband in this post. Eric and I's love for each other has grown immensely (if that was even possible).  {Eric. You have been my rock through all of this, and I could NEVER have done it without you. You have been there loving me with your whole heart, every second of every day. Thank you. I love you.}. Words could not accurately express my gratitude for this amazing man that God has blessed me with. He is incredible. 

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We just got back from a short weekend trip that Eric planned for us to Sedona. It was a beautiful way to forget about it all for a few short days and just spend some time together, moving on. In the video I decided to make, you'll see Winnie, our new, amazing pup! She has brought so much joy through these hard times, and has loved us unconditionally. She rocks. The song that plays is "Home" by Phillip Phillips. It was our song for the baby.

Sedona Trip Video